I have only recently returned from being with Monica again. This time was different. Monica was making her transition back to the Mother/Goddess, and she was at home, tended to by her son and friends. I had a specific purpose in coming to see Monica this time. I wanted to say thank you and good-bye to her. And I wanted her to see the final cover and manuscript of the book we had been working on together for several years, which turned out to be her final project. Monicas art graces both covers and the text, and her words in her introduction provide a portal for the reader to enter into the sacred realm of the Goddess. She had been asking me over the last two years when the book would be done, so I had a mission in bringing it to her. I feel that Midwifing Death, Returning to the Arms of the Ancient Mother, is a final tribute to her. Amazingly, the first printed copy of the book arrived at Monicas from the publisher on the morning of the day she died. It was the first time I saw the book in print. While she was not conscious, and so did not see it with her physical eyes, I felt the Goddess brought it to her in the way She felt was best for Monica. The timing was extraordinary.

I arrived from a long journey from California on the Monday night before Lammas. Many friends along with her son, Toivo, gathered by her bedside that night to share a Lammas ritual with her. Although we knew Monica had been full of surprises, like going to Sweden when the doctors said she would die soon, we all knew this would probably be her last ritual. Her womens group created a beautiful altar of flowers and harvest fruits in the center of the room on the floor next to her bed and Marie France played her magical harp.

I was particularly captured by her rendition of Pachabel's canon as her gliding fingers effortlessly coaxed the strings to surrender their tones. The music was riveting and sacred. Monica's good friend, Nancy, who generously housed me and cared for me while I was in Bristol, gently asked me if I wanted to offer something for the ritual. Nancy shared with me earlier that Monica said at a previous circle "I want to die, I want to fly." I remembered this as we all stood in circle holding hands. I felt that to really honor the energy in the room, the ritual needed to be very simple and needed to meet Monica where she was. She had decided only a day or two earlier to stop drinking and eating. She had clearly made her choice about what she was doing.

I have realized from my own priestessing experience for many years that one needs to be present enough to be able to read the energy that might arise in the space, as well as be flexible in the moment, and not attached to doing or having agendas about how things should be if there is a calling for something different that can only be felt in the moment. I feel rituals are created from the heart. I did my best to offer what I felt was needed for Monicathe creating of a sacred space in which people could offer blessings to her if they wanted to. It was a kind of harvest and sharing of the heart. One by one, we went to her bedside and said words from our hearts as we handed her a flower. Those of us in the circle held the space with gentle toning as people went to her. Monica received the flowers until she held a bouquet in her hands. When she felt she had enough, we made a collective prayer with those who did not have a chance to sit with her and sent loving energy to her. I felt we gave permission to Monica to let go, and that we were all witness to her process in leaving this world. We passed a cup of elixir to share communion. Marie France played Pachabels canon once again, closing the circle. Monica said in a loud strong voice, I want to die, I want to fly. It was certainly not a usual Lammas circle in how people are used to celebrating harvest and honoring the cross-quarter time between the Summer Solstice and Fall Equinox, as it was certainly quite unusual to have a beloved sister in the circle who was actively dying. So, it seemed to me the definition of harvest was more about the meaning of Monicas life and death, our willingness to share, and her willingness to receive.

It was my experience in the ensuing time I spent with Monica that our circle provided her with sacred permission to die, which is very important to give, if possible, because it lets the dying person know that it is okay for them to leave. It seemed that Monicas anxiety settled down after the circle and that she entered a more peaceful state. I had the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with her in which she spoke her truth in moments of lucidity, sharing some of her feelings. This gave me an opportunity to offer her some midwifing/coaching, much like a midwife does at a birth. I reminded her of the need to surrender and that death and birth are really the same. She gently closed her eyes and seemed to retreat into a deep well of being.

I left for a few days during Lammas to go to Cornwall. I wanted to go out on the land and pray at sacred sites. I was fortunate enough to get to re-connect with Cheryl Straffon, who I met ten years ago at a Goddess Gathering in California, and in seeing her again I felt a kindling of an instant connection with a long-lost sister. Cheryl was kind enough to take me to several places where I could be with the ancient Grandmother stones and Goddess. It is such an amazing experience to feel held by the landscape the ancestors/ ansisters revered as the very body of the Mother, Herself. The luscious nurturing one can experience from this, if one is open, is beyond description. I felt Monicas presence everywhere. I also went to sacred wells and made prayers for Monica for safe travel on her journey.

At the sacred well at Sancreed, I saw a Lammas poetry tribute hanging in the tree to Asphodel Long, who returned to Goddess several months before. I felt Monica was in good company!

As I returned to Bristol by train from Cornwall, I had a sense that Monica had made her transition. I held the space for her and learned from Nancy, who picked me up at the train station, that Monica had just passed two hours before I arrived. We went directly to her, and sat with her. I felt I concluded my Lammas ritual with her by sitting by her side and doing a prayer practice that is said to help the spirit of the departed. Feeling full of ancestral love and wisdom, I visualized a Great Mother Goddess in front of Monicas heart, imagining a sweet, golden, nurturing Heart Light stream forth from Goddess towards Monica, meeting the same Heart Light emanating from Monicas heart. I visualized all of Monicas karma purifying as her light met with the Mothers, the two becoming one, and Monica merging with Goddess. I did this over and over for quite a while. It is said in this practice that when we die, we are the child luminosity jumping into the lap of the Mother luminosity. I feel Monica was held by the winds of timelessness that will grant her wish to fly, and that she has returned to the arms of the Mother.

Article © Leslene della Matre & Goddess Alive!
No reproduction without permission.

Midwifing Death  
Website of Leslene della Madre's book "Midwifing Death". 
 Monica's Art illustrates the book 
and she has also contributed to the introduction.